Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
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cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him