So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
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These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Put a ring on it
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.