I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
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I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking