I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
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my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Big Sex has us all fooled
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni