When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
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We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird