If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
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Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
my lower back watching me try to live my life
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.