WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
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Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.