If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
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Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”