[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
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*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?