You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
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Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.