I feel it
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Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets