Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
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Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft