It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
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Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
english majors be like furthermore
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.