Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
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My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.