No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
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[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse