sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
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Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
giddy up Office Depot
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.