“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
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When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?