Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
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“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.