Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
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Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
October already? What’s next? November????
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”