Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
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Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
The Book. The Movie.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.