Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
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A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
In Canada they just call them geese
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.