Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
You Might Also Like
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.