“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
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A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”