What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
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Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Best mom ever 😂
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.