Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
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[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.