*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
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I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
I am yelling
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Oh no
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.