If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
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popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked