I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
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beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.