Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
You Might Also Like
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.