LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
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I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.