They are only bad decisions if you get caught
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Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.