One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
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This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur