that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
You Might Also Like
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
#Thanos #MondayMood
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me: