and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
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Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%