The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
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Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries