Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
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Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Why is everyone getting married at me
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.