Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
You Might Also Like
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT