AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
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Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Does this dress make me look cat?
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.