{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
You Might Also Like
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Wise advice
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher