Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
You Might Also Like
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]