Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
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Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
PLOT TWIST:
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.