Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
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How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
You had me at “define legal”.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected