There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
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“and how does that make you feel?”
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.