I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
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It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.