[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
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Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
OH. COME. ON.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.