I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
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Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*