Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
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Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Wait a minute…
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept