*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
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People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
wishing you and yours all the best
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.