You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
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“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.