I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
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Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
[on a first date]
Her: I don鈥檛 like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
You鈥檇 think for $40 they鈥檇 be able to cut anything but apparently my wife鈥檚 expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i鈥檓 a groundhog
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 馃
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That鈥檚 great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend鈥檚 moving too fast.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I hacked into my wife鈥檚 computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I鈥檒l need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Don鈥檛 take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking